Bitter Sweet Moments

Twenty four hours ago I was wearing a winter coat and shivering as I waited for the car to warm up. It was time to go. After a week of travel back to my childhood home in Illinois, my family and I were headed for home. But as cold as I felt on the outside a sense of bitter-sweet welled up on the inside. So many memories from the past meeting new memories from this visit meshed together to form something within…something…yet it was something I didn’t know quite how to explain.

Thanksgiving Break had brought me back to the town I grew up in. My parents still live in the house I spent most of my childhood. 1447 Whitcomb Avenue in Des Plaines, Illinois, is an address forever marked in my mind. I’ve known that address longer than any other I’ve lived. It had been a year and a half since I’d been there, yet the smell and warmth when I walked in hadn’t changed a bit.

My mom and dad greeted us with open arms and smiles from ear to ear knowing we had arrived safe and sound. “Who’s hungry? Grandma has a snack for you.” were the sweet words spoken by the happiest grandma in town. How she and my dad loved having the house filled with family and kids running around. They raised five of us, and it is their biggest joy spending time with their grandkids…all 19 of them.

More family arrived for the holiday and my boys were able to hang with their cousins. It was amazing to watch the kid’s interact and play as if they hung out together every day. A year and a half since our last visit meant nothing.  The connection of family meant everything. Inside jokes and silly pictures became the theme, and laughter filled the room.

So now, as I was heading for home in the chill of the night, why was I feeling something inside that I couldn’t quite explain?  Twelve hours of drive time helped me process and think through it all.

Time spent with extended family has its wonderful, loving moments. I treasure time spent with my mom, and most especially time with my dad, whose health has its ups and downs. Yet in the midst of the warmth, there are also the interactions of old wounds coming to the surface. Just when I think I’ve gotten over the pain and changed my pattern of behavior it seems the band aid gets ripped off and…ouch. The sting. The bitter in the midst of the sweet.

What I didn’t like was the way I reacted. In some situations I reverted back to my role of the fourth child in a big, Irish family. How did that happen? I’ve worked hard to change the pattern of dysfunction I experienced growing up. Knowing Christ and being transformed by His wisdom and grace has made such a difference in the woman I am today. Anger and resentment have been replaced with Colossians 3:12, “…clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Unkind words and strong opinions have been replaced with James 1:19, “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” The list could go on and on with how hiding God’s word in my heart has changed me from the inside out. So what happened during my trip? Why didn’t the new creation in Christ walk around my parent’s house? Why did my old self lead the way instead?

What I remembered on the twelve hour drive home that I wished I remembered on the twelve hour drive there is:

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

One of the first passages of scriptures I ever memorized was Ephesians 6:13-17, which is the Armor of God. I was taught as a new believer that as I grow in my faith the enemy of God will try to discourage me and try with all of his might to pull me back to my old patterns of living. They read the scriptures in Ephesians about putting on the Armor of God to protect me from the evil that might come my way. On the inside cover of my very first journal I wrote out Ephesians 6:13-17, and I prayed those verses every day during my quiet times with the Lord. I so wanted to grow and become a godly woman, and I didn’t want anything to come in the way of my walk with God.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Break in 2013, and I realized that I had forgotten one of my earliest lessons as a new creature in Christ.  The battle hadn’t changed. The enemy was still trying with all his might to pull me back into my old patterns of behavior. How discouraging that I had let him win during this recent visit.

But thanks be to God I now walk in grace and forgiveness. Confident in His grace poured over me I pushed aside discouragement and I prayed:

“Lord, I put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, I may be able to stand my ground, and after I have done everything, to stand. I stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around my waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, I take up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. I talk the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:13-17 (passage adjusted as a personal prayer)

Friends, as we walk in this life let us not forget the battle at hand. Whether we’ve known the Lord for a short time or for many years, the battle is still the same. It’s easy to forget the unseen powers of darkness, especially when life is going well. My prayer for all of us is that we remember to ‘put on the armor of God’ before and during life’s trials. May we allow God to fight the battle for us and rest in His mighty power.

Twelve hours in the card ride home I began to understand that the bitter-sweet feelings of life will come and go. They can show up at unexpected moments and may stay longer than we would like. At times we’ll walk through them well, while other times we’ll stumble and fall. But every time, yes every time, we can come to the Lord and experience His grace, forgiveness and power to keep moving forward.

This Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for the grace of God that has carried me through the bitter-sweet moments of life. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me...

My verse this time is Ephesians 6:12:

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  

Praying together,

Teresa