Of all the things central to
our experience as human beings, I think conflict has to be in the top ten. It’s been in my life as far back as I can
remember – beginning with my family of origin. Growing up, my family modeled
conflict avoidance, experts in the art of sweeping things under the rug. Not so with my husband’s family, who preferred
a more verbal and unfiltered form of engagement. In fact, it was my husband who first told me (as I was attempting to sweep our most
recent fallout under the rug) that conflict is not bad but rather a
catalyst for growth. He went on to claim
that all great movies, plays, and books have at their core some sort of tension
yearning to be resolved. He made it
sound so healthy and….normal for
conflict to exist.
Of course, conflict did not
originate with humans but first occurred on a cosmic level at a time long
before we existed when Lucifer, an angel of God in the highest rank, sought to
be exalted above God (see Ezekiel 28:12-19 & Isaiah 14:12-17). Though
we don’t have the details, we do know that the outcome of that conflict
resulted in an identity, vocation, and location change for the former “guardian cherub who lived on the holy
mountain of God and walked among the fiery stones.”
From there, conflict was
introduced in the Garden of Eden when Satan deceived Adam and Eve into
believing that God was holding out on them and they chose to act against the
God who created and loved them. They
could not have known such a choice would result in separation from God, exile
from the Garden of Eden, and death.
Since then, mankind has experienced conflict with God, nature, earth,
self, and one another. In fact, the disturbing
ramifications of conflict are evidenced in Cain and Abel, the very next
generation of humans, with Cain murdering his brother. The pages of Scripture reveal countless examples
of conflict; even through the very last pages of Revelation, the world is a
place of rebellion, violence, and devastation.
The word conflict means to come into collision or disagreement, to
be in opposition, to fight or contend.
Other words include: struggle, strife, quarrel, controversy, antagonism,
striking against, incompatibility, and battle.
Conflict can be:
- subtle or overt
- within yourself or with others
- productive or destructive
- over nothing or it can be life and death
It can come out of nowhere or
you can see it coming from miles away.
Conflict can:
- unite or it can divide
- bring out the best or it can bring out the worst
Some thrive on it, and some
are crushed under the weight of it.
For all that conflict is, one
thing it is not – conflict is not
neutral.
The great news is that there
are things that we can do to help us be more effective in the art of conflict
resolution. If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to grow in this area, then
keep reading and find out how to better navigate what can often be challenging
waters.
Pray
One of the best ways to begin
the process of resolution is to pray.
Prayer enables us to set our focus on God, and to ask Him for an
attitude of humility and to handle ourselves well throughout the process. Other things to ask for are wisdom in
understanding the matter at hand, the fruit of self-control and patience, and for
peace to be established between you and the other person.
Go First
Be willing to make the first
move. Andy, our pastor, has said more
than once that it’s usually the more mature person who will choose to initiate
resolution (helpful tip: It’s best not to
use that as your opening line when entering into conversation with the one
you’re in conflict with.) We learn this example from God, who, throughout
the Bible models a pattern of taking the initiative for reconciliation. In
fact, Jesus is the greatest example of this,
“but God demonstrates His own love
for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans
5:8). God made the first move toward us,
and in His strength we can move toward others.
Seek to Understand
James provides great counsel
when he writes, “be quick to listen, slow
to speak, and slow to anger….” (James
1:19,20) He has just spent the first 18 verses on the benefits of trials and
adversities in our lives. Rather than
getting angry and spouting off at the mouth, James suggests that it is best to
employ the skill of listening before speaking when challenges (in the form of humans) find their way
into your life. Good listening requires
that you be fully present in the moment, and that you ask thoughtful questions
to ensure you have heard what the other individual has said. This is a great way to honor and value the
other person, and to make them the priority, not you. And who doesn’t appreciate that?
Own Your Part
Take responsibility for your
part in what led to the conflict. If
pride got the best of you, say so. If
selfishness took center stage, admit it.
We’ve all been there and know how tempting those things can be in the
moment. Don’t resist owning up to your
parts that contributed to the breakdown that happened. As hard as it seems at the time to be humble
and vulnerable, it is harder and far more dangerous to live as a prideful
person who blames others when problems arise.
Mean It:
When resolving conflict, you
need to mean what you say and do. For
example, if forgiveness is requested and you choose to do so, you don’t
continue to hold the issue against them or remind them of what they did. Another way is to follow through with your
actions. You behave as though the things
the two of you have agreed to do to resolve the issue are, in fact, going to be
done. If you’ve agreed to give a
processor space and time to think before responding, then do it. If you’ve agreed that you will not interrupt
or talk over the over person, don’t do it.
If not, then there is no confidence in the new system working; and the
old unhealthy patterns that you hoped to correct will resume. Both must commit to doing their own part for
trust to build and new patterns to develop.
The following suggestions are
things I’ve learned from Andy’s leadership teachings. They are preventive and go a long way toward
establishing healthy patterns of relating with others.
Keep Short Accounts:
What this means is that when
an issue comes up that is damaging to the relationship, rather than stuffing it
and allowing things to potentially fester, you go to the person and address it
in a timely manner. Around our church,
many times we will begin a conversation like this by saying, “In the spirit of keeping short accounts, I
was wondering if I could share something with you…”
Trust Versus Suspicion
In the same way that you want
others to assume the best about your motivations, intentions, and actions, you
want to do the same with them. This
comes with the understanding that what we are hoping for from others is not
perfection, but a sincere effort put forth in good faith that our intentions
are not to hurt those around us. When
there are inconsistencies between what we hope to see and what we actually see,
we choose to place trust in that gap rather than suspicion. There will be times, however, that a
conversation may be required to ensure the relationship continues to be healthy
– especially when you realize you can no longer, in good conscience, put trust
in the gap.
Max Lucado said conflict is inevitable, but combat is
optional. We can’t always prevent
conflict, but we can certainly choose whether we will allow it to be an
obstacle that divides us or an opportunity to grow forward, together. This
is a part of life in community, let’s do it well ladies!
My next verse is Philippians 1:27-28
"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God."
I love these verses, because they
represent a unity in the faith that I believe we are all called to fight for.
When the enemy, thru the schemes and tactics of other people, seeks to
divide…we don't have to let that happen. In fact, we must resist! And we
do so first and foremost by standing firm in the one Spirit - the Holy Spirit. When we are willing to begin battle by standing firm in the power of the
Holy Spirit, the enemy is already destroyed - it's just a matter of time.
